It is easy to believe that the world revolves around us and our challenges. Victim mentality is not new, ask teenagers; most of them would not integrate the fact that they are not the centre of everybody’s universe. It is understandable when we consider that we all have spent nine months in a warm and comfortable womb, where all of our needs are met. From a young age, we learn to feel good about ourselves through praise and applause from our family, friends, and teachers are likely to be beneficial for our mental health. We often grow up believing that if there is something wrong in life or with us, then someone else must have done it.
This attitude referred to as victim mentality.
There is a lot written about how people feel victimised and how it is an acquired personality trait. Toxic behaviour, past traumas, childhood abuse are common signs fueling feeling powerless. In our own lives, what victim mentality means?
A victim mindset has at its core the belief that we are powerless to changes in our circumstances. The only way to solve it is by playing the victim so that people pity us and do something for us.
Where does the victim syndrome come from?
A past trauma like physical abuse or dealing with difficult emotions triggers a negative attitude and low self-esteem, which feed the victim mentality. That said, it is also something that is also learned from a family member or any other person with who we spend time. We spend most of our childhood learning how to behave and interact with other people modelled by authority figures around us.
Victim mentality is contagious like a parasite and feeds off any other negative emotions. It can be passed from one person to another in an interaction or group dynamic, leading to a “pity party”. The more you practice victimhood, the easier it becomes, especially when we are unaware that this behaviour has taken over our lives.
Bad things happen to all of us; sometimes, we feel compelled to blame when we feel upset. It doesn’t mean we ought to climb the ladder of “learned helplessness” as a coping mechanism for past trauma.
Next time you have a strong sense of playing the victim card or feeling lost, feel powerless; observe the pattern of your negative actions. You may want to have a friend, a coach to support you in that process if your negative thought patterns are too strong to be handled on your own.
Self pity and negative thinking
Imagine you are inside an echo chamber; what happens when you say something out loud? You hear your voice, but you are also aware that it is just a reflection of yourself.
When we lack self confidence, self pity, victim complex or any other thoughts and feelings can be seen as an echo chamber. So many negative thoughts bouncing around inside the mind, we can lose sight of what’s actual or possible for us. We become trapped by this limiting belief eco-system.
Not everyone can see these patterns in action, especially when you are in the middle of it. Family members, friends, coaches are excellent sources of support.
We take responsibility by becoming aware of it and how it affects our lives and the lives of those around us.
Despite the belief that our circumstances trap us, we are still the author of our story.
The feelings of being a victim are real; however, it is only a portion of it and does not define the whole story.
We may decide to take a break from certain people in our life, give them up for an extended period while we find ways to get rid of this negative mindset by learning new skills or habits that lead us towards happiness instead.
Negative self-talk and self-sabotage
We all benefited from gaining sympathy from others; it feels nice. Does it help our self esteem or even our mental health? If we take the analogy of an echo chamber, our negative self-talk will echo back at us. If we are feedback or consequence-oriented, one path it can lead us is self-destruction and self-sabotage.
How do we break free from learned helplessness at work, in social circles or our life in general?
It may sound counterintuitive but start paying attention to what people are saying around you. What are they like after a terrible fight? Do they have a victim mindset all the time, or is it on a specific subject? What kind of self respect do they have?
The reason for that is so that you learn how to recognise it. The secondary gain is that you can recognise it yourself too.
A sense of powerlessness
Someone with a victim complex can lead to anxiety, depression. We have our own story to deal with. It isn’t a competition; there are no first prices for who chooses to play the victim and who stop playing.
At the same time, when events are conspiring against us, we can feel powerless. Self compassion and patience may not be on the exclusive tips.
Someone with a victim mentality will tell you all about the bad things, which feeds the victim complex and is energy-draining. Taking more responsibility will be a challenge whilst being in victim complex mode.
Is a Victim Mindset Permanent?
A victim mindset is a temporary state of being. In other words, it does not define you and doesn’t prevent you from taking responsibility to move on. We all have it from time to time, especially if we have been in a dangerous place, took things personally or even feel guilty about avoiding responsibility. We have all had our fair share of trying to meet our own needs when we play the victim and finding reliable coping mechanisms.
The dark side of playing the victim
The victim mindset goes beyond the victim role, the bad things that happened. It shows the little interest we have, at the time, in our self confidence, self love or even self care to create change in our situation.
When we have trouble coping with our environment, building a trusting relationship because of bad things happened or hearing someone with a victim mindset story; what is happening to ourselves?
Our own thoughts “echo chamber” is taking responsibility to echo back the victim complex, re-inforcing the victim role based on the bad things that we experienced. Our reality spins more downwards to monopolise conversation to be heard, leading to narcissistic personality disorder.
Is a victim mindset fueling a deeper fear?
We don’t want to feel trapped. The majority of us during our lives have gone through a time when we’ve had thoughts like these:
- Why is it that everything I do goes horribly wrong?
- It’s as though something terrible is always awaiting me.
- I’m just sure something horrible will happen to me, and it’s true.
- I always attract toxic behavior
We even get used to it and seek someone who can provide medical advice in some cases.
When it becomes a habit, we can even anticipate it. These habits get formed out of whining about whatever we complain about. They start doing little things that lead towards what we are afraid of.
So for people to feel sorry for us, we always end up with that very thing.
Victim mentality is also a strategy that feeds our fear of being trapped by our circumstances. It is also a way to avoid taking responsibility.
We eluded it at the beginning of this blog; we have this fear of feeling trapped. For that fear to be alive, it needs to be fed. It feeds off feeling trapped by _____. If it is time, we call it impatience; if it is an event, we call it victim mentality or martyrdom.
The most powerful step we can take to deal with that fear of being trapped is awareness. What gives you the feeling of being trapped? Write a list of all the reasons that you feel this way. The secondary benefits are that you can start identifying the various strategies you use that feed that fear to keep it alive.s